Sunday, April 3, 2016

Everything you think while watching boy banders fight zombies in Dead 7


It’s the boy band zombie movie you never knew you wanted (and probably didn’t). And yet, it happened.
Syfy’s Dead 7 told the story of seven(ish) people who tried to save the world from some sort of zombie queen. It was a lot to take in, which is why we’ve rounded up everything we thought while watching. 
First, to get you acquainted, here’s a rundown of the cast: 
Nick Carter as Jack
Jeff Timmons as Billy
Joey Fatone as Whiskey Joe
Howie Dorough as The Vaquero
Erik-Michael Estrada as Komodo
Carrie Keagan as Daisy Jane
Lauren Kitt-Carter as Sirene
Chris Kirkpatrick as Major Shelby
A.J. McLean as Johnny Vermillion
Debra Wilson as Apocalypta
Once you wrap your head around that, here’s every thought we had while watching its premiere:
  • Why is there no food or water? What exactly happened during this apocalypse?
  • This movie is very red.
  • Wow, zombie-fighting Jeff Timmons looks just like real-life Jeff Timmons on his day off.
  • They did not name Carrie Keagan’s character Daisy Jane.
  • Is Chris Kirkpatrick wearing a grill?
  • A.J. was BORN for this.
  • What’s up with Apocalypta’s voice? She could NOT join a boy band.
  • So … becoming a zombie takes no time at all.
  • This movie has chapters?!
  • Has A.J. ever ridden a horse before? Is he doing an accent? Why isn’t he singing? 
  • Yeah, A.J. has never ridden a horse before.
  • Oh look, it’s Jacob Underwood driving a car while wearing overalls. What is the dress code in this film? 
  • I’m sorry, but if the sheriff is sleeping when there are zombies out there, he deserves to die.
  • Is Jeff Timmons wearing a leather arm band?
  • Nope, not learning their character names.
  • Why are the zombies called Copper Heads?
  • Wait, A.J. is a bad guy? Well, if he’s Team Apocalypta, so am I.
  • A bullet can blow off an entire head?
  • Is A.J. secretly the Joker?
  • Jeff just splattered those women with zombie blood and then left them wanting more. Typical man.
  • Jeff loves Daisy? Sure. Whatever.
  • A.J. literally can’t stop LOLing.
  • Seriously, waiting for A.J. to turn around and do this:
  • Did Apocalypta just yell “mrrrr”?
  • So that prison is definitely made of wood. Very secure.
  • Everyone say hello to the real star of this film: Jon Secada’s sideburns!
  • Which do you prefer: The Hateful Eight or the Dead 7?
  • It’s Joey Fatone as Whiskey Joe! Did they name his character Joe because he literally only responds to his real name?
  • Announcement: Glass bottles break when you hit somebody over the head with them.
  • Howie’s a sniper! And Howie and Joey have been friends all along! BSB fans can finally stop hating *NSYNC fans! (Just kidding.)
  • Oh no. Make Howie’s accent stop. Please.
  • And Erik-Michael Estrada is … a Power Ranger?
  • Why are teeth the currency in this world? This is my hell.
  • I do not for one second believe that Carrie sleeps with that black eye shadow on.
  • Guys, Jeff Timmons and Nick Carter have been related all these years!
  • These chapters are very short.
  • At this point, is Joey Fatone trying to out-laugh A.J.?
  • Now we’re at a saloon, so what time period is this set in?
  • Fun fact: Art from Everclear loves saloons! (And hates zombies.)
  • Dan Miller is one sassy bartender.
  • Carrie just said, “Do you really carry all that much hate.”
  • Oh no, Jon Secada’s a zombie!
  • Oh no, Jon Secada’s dead!
  • Why has no one started singing yet?!
  • You really don’t need to stab someone after you decapitate them.
  • At this point, Howie is just saying random Spanish words.
  • Also, Howie, you really don’t need a sniper rifle at this close range.
  • Oh snap, Carrie definitely has history with both brothers.
  • Is there no consistent way to kill zombies? They seem to be shooting and stabbing them all over.
  • “Let’s grab his teeth.” 
  • HELLO WIG. (I’m talking Sirene, a.k.a. Nick Carter’s wife.)
  • Jack is wrestling a zombie but somehow didn’t lose his hat …
  • I really did not need that close-up of a car running over a zombie’s head.
  • SHIFTY SHELLSHOCK was just killed by Apocalypta. (Talk about crazy town!)
  • Is Erik wearing shin guards?
  • “We’re American. We speak America!” –Joey
  • You’re telling me they couldn’t find their way to the lady of the mountain when there’s literally signs pointing you in the right direction?
  • I cannot with Apocalypta’s voice.
  • What do we think Nick Carter’s wife gave Nick to drink when she said it will make him strong? A protein shake?
  • Oh, so they used to call miners Copper Heads. So are all zombies miners? I don’t get it.
  • Apocalypta just licked blood off a zombie’s mouth. I’m done.
  • Did Erik just SMELL Trixie’s bra? (And was she wearing a red bra under her white top this entire time?!!)
  • “I smell it! It’s a brothel!” –Joey
  • “To slay a dragon, you don’t cut off its claw.” UMMMM … 
  • Wow, A.J. really hated 98 Degrees. Either that, or he hates Jeff Timmons’ patriotic baseball cap.
  • Not to be the buzzkill, but what supplies are you going to find in a brothel?
  • Why does everyone have a different mic/walkie/headset situation.
  • NO! HOWIE IS A ZOMBIE! But why are his eyes black? And why does Joey playing “Amazing Grace” on the harmonica seem to calm him down? (This would’ve been the PERFECT opportunity for “Spanish Eyes.”)
  • Apocalypta would totally rock a skull scarf.
  • Well, A.J. just turned Daisy into a zombie and then Nick killed her. Backstreet’s back, alright!
  • Apocalypta has a fierce corset happening.
  • Every time A.J. laughs, I wait for “Larger than Life” to begin.
  • How are you having trouble tracking the guy who literally won’t stop laughing/making noise?
  • First A.J. attacked Jeff, and now he kills Chris Kirkpatrick. 
  • But wait, Erik just decapitated A.J. Does that mean O-Town wins?!
  • Clearly, Apocalypta though A.J. should’ve had more lead vocals than Nick.
  • Whiskey Joe is running out of whiskey! So is he just Joe now?
  • Zombie Joey Fatone just killed himself. Eh.
  • Soon-to-be zombie Erik just killed himself. Eh.
  • I’m sorry, Nick was just bitten by a toddler zombie! And then he killed himself. What message does this send? Kids are the worst?
  • But really, why didn’t anyone sing?