‘The Sing-Off’ Season 4 Recap – There’s only one Jonathan Groff, and it ain’t you

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By: Jessica Rae
It’s time for Nick Lachey to hold our hands and guide us through this beautiful musical journey together. Or maybe he’ll be cussing out Justin Timberlake in his dressing room, who knows.

The Sing-Off Season 4 Recap December 9 2013

Great, we’re opening with a Fun cover. Just what the world needs. Something fresh and new. Ugh.

acoUstiKats…okay, so that’s REALLY how they spell it? It’s a huge pain to type (or say), and it looks stupid. Good going.
The team that seems the youngest, Vocal Rush, are singing “we are young” as clever stage direction. Are they like, fifteen? Is there an age restriction for this show? No? Okay, then I’m signing up the first (and best) toddler acapella group. The Tiny Tunes. UNLESS there’s copyright infringement stuff with ‘Tiny Toons.’

Now come the sexy girls, and you know that cause they’re in metallic cocktail dresses and holding sparklers, like some sorority cult. (They do rituals with candles while wearing sexy clothes, trust me, I was in one.) …I DO like their flapper dresses, though.

Home Free boys … one of you is wearing a pretentious scarf, and this does not bode well for your ability to not be annoying.

The judges are so amazing, that’s one thing that’s cool about this show. This is the age where celebs aren’t afraid to judge things, though. Back in 2001 they could only get Paula Abdul, you know what I mean? Now, you got Ben Folds, Jewel, and Shawn Stockman. I should despise Stockman’s red and white Barbershop blazer, and yet I find it charming. And I’m very hopeful that Jewel will be like the old Jewel, not the “sexy Venus razor spokesperson” that sold out. But her neon yellow dress worries me about which direction she’s gone…

I had a chance to talk with Nick Lachey, but here’s a question for you, what the hell do you ask a mildly relevant, aging popstar? I’d only want to ask inappropriate things like if he thinks he’ll ever become as powerful as Ryan Seacrest (do you ever think about how RICH he must be?), or if he knows how many babies Jessica Simpson has had now. (Cause, isn’t she ALWAYS pregnant now?)

Vocal Rush – “Bottom of the River”

They hope to represent Oakland as anything but a scary place with gangs. But THEY are a gang (of singers.)

NICK LACHEY HAS A BREAKING ANNOUNCEMENT, everyone needs to remember that there are no instruments on stage, just voices. Gee, CAN YOU DEFINE ACAPELLA FOR ME AGAIN IN FIFTEEN MINUTES IN CASE I FORGET?
Hilariously, my spellcheck refuses to recognize “acapella” as a word. Spellcheck is so judgmental, ugh.

Just when we thought we’d made it through the whole Carrie Underwood Sound of Music …thing, Kelly Clarkson is coming to do the same-but-different thing.

Home Free – “Cruise”

They popped out of cornfields. They only do country music. I like their sense of humor…and candor… These are guys ready to get PAID. …And these are the SCARF guys. Only one is wearing a scarf, but he’s wearing it over a VEST, so… it’s just awful. In fact, his hair is all… and… you know what? HEY DUDE, YOU ARE NOT JONATHAN GROFF SO STOP TRYING TO BE. I don’t think they have…whatever the technical term is for low tones…which is weird in a group of guys. (Except for the one dude who sings tenor in that freaky death low tone in the country rap.) It coulda gone either way for me, but based on this I don’t think I’m into this group.

“I think country music is just a white man’s R&B.” – Shawn Stockman

Princeton Footnotes – “I Knew You were Trouble”

They’re singing about champagne in their intro video. Lord. Be more prissy. TRY. Oh, you can’t? CAUSE, yea. They all seem like they’re trying too hard and lack talent. Oh, they’re throwing LOOSE LEAF PAPER FROM THE SECOND STORY. That’s always … uh. Okay, so here we go. Singing a Taylor Swift song is not going to do anything for their street cred. Especially if they can’t sing it well. To me? It sounds kind of jumbled. And since I’m a legit fan of TSWIZZLE, I’d like this to go better than it is. They’re technically sound, but I don’t see enough passion or soul. Oh, they shout-out to Ben. Cute, but also …tacky? Eh.
“You can tell these are smart Ivy League guys, cause they actually kissed Ben’s ass in the song.” – Nick Lachey

I zoned out and Jewel complimented Taylor Swift’s writing. Which… is disappointing to me because Jewel used to write really soulful, incredibly powerful, poetic lyrics. And Taylor mostly rhymes cute things.

Calle Sol – “Pon de Replay”

… Did anyone even like this song when it first came out? Damn. Still, these ladies have talented voices. I can groove to it. Yes, white girls can groove sometimes.

Corner Renaissance – “What Makes You Beautiful”

They have an AMAZING name. And I really love the idea of people singing on streetcorners in towns and stuff. It’s very Stars Hollow.

“You’re just singing…but you’re real honest.” – Ben Folds

UPDATE: Technology sucks and the second hour recap was lost to the ether. I have rage. Oh, I have A LOT OF RAGE about this.